Hanging By A Thread

Apparently facial piercing makes one look younger...

2011-03-29T23:34:00.001-04:00

At least according to my son. I recently allowed him to get his ears pierced, because I'm nouveaux-trash like that.

Anywhoo...after my scary experience with the Bell's Palsey where I became paralyzed on one entire half of my face - I couldn't blink, smile, eat, talk, etc, normally for weeks, and I still haven't completely recovered.

Life is short...really it is, and I've always wanted a labret piercing, so I did it. I just went out and did it along with my tongue, which I'd had pierced before I had to remove it for my emergency C-Section. I'd had it for 3 years and it closed up within a week.

So, now I probably look really stupid, but I am proud of myself for doing it. I've heard that labret is one of the more painful piercings, and now I'm sitting here with one! It suits me and I don't care what anyone else thinks! Austin said I look younger, so I think it's a win/win. XD

I AM CHARLIE SHEEN!!!!!!

2011-03-06T14:11:00.000-05:00

and you can be too! >:D Here's mine:

“I am on a drug. It’s called Mom. If you try it once, you will be skull-fucked. Your earlobe will melt off, and your Crazy Horse will spew over your aborted body … I’m tired of pretending like I’m not refudiate—a total freaking butt hair waxer from Pluto. I’ve got anteater blood, Dionysus DNA! … They picked a fight with a flying unicorn. They’re trying to take all my ding dongs and leave me with no means to assimilate my family. It’s not metallurgy! They owe me an apology while procreating my taint … I don’t think people are ready for the diaper I’m delivering, and delivering with a sense of rancid love. I exposed mirrors to magic! Here’s your lochia test. Next one goes in your anus!”

http://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/features/2011/02/stark-raving-mad-libs-201102 <---try it here! <3

Cinemalicious!

2010-05-31T10:20:00.002-04:00

We enjoyed a feast of the senses late last night, as we watched a film created by my favorite stalkee - Beau. "Dick For Hire" was a smorgasbord of enriched dialog, a fabulous cast, and a telling story featuring self discovery in the rancid depths of the Chicagoland Underworld.

A racy, raucous, ride through the genius that is Beau's mind, thank you for inviting us, Beau!

Have you ever been with someone soooo long that you don't know what to talk about anymore?

2010-05-15T11:32:00.000-04:00

Because I am now a hermit and my closest friends consist of a surly teen, a dramatic almost 12 year old, and an enormous toddler, I feel like I have nothing meaningful to contribute to an adult conversation with my DH.

At night I am apparently full of random quips, according to my husband, after I've taken my ambien, but tonight we are actually going on a DATE....a real one, with no kids, and I don't know what we're going to talk about.

We are celebrating our 19th wedding anniversary (officially Monday), and we've been together through the good and the bad for over 20 years. It baffles my mind really. He must be a glutton for punishment to have put up with all my craziness for all these years.

Also, I don't want to be this old.

Good Nights does not equal Good Days.

2010-05-06T11:38:00.002-04:00

Why do I let myself get suckered into other people's reviews about a product? I read like FIFTYZILLION reviews about these diapers, and there was nary a negative! Yesterday was large toddler's first full day wearing her big girl panties, and guess what - HUGE ASS RASH FROM HELL. Really?? REALLY??? The reviews I read said these diapers were like angel feathers kissed by God himself, and would cradle my child's delicate cheeks in a loving embrace. I guess loving embrace = bright red, slap-your-ass, rash. Now I have no regular diapers (which I have to order from diapers.com because NO ONE in the whole of the Midwest carries size 7 diapers), and I just placed an order for $50.00 more of these torturous trappings yesterday.

Hello butt balm and too small, size 6's. Poor baby. :(

Happy Birthday...

2010-05-06T11:14:00.002-04:00

Mom...you would have been 71 today...wow. I miss you - I miss your laugh, your beautiful skin, your signature smell. You told me I was a grown up before you passed, but you were so wrong. I was way too young to lose you, and way too selfish to understand the ramifications of losing you so young. I had so much to learn - left with no one to guide me.

I have these three beautiful kids, was that your gift to me? For surely things would have not been the same in my life if you hadn't died. I know this. So thank you for them, even if I am just kinda muddling my way through this life.

Happy Birthday Mom...I love you.

I keep falling off the wagon...

2010-05-04T17:42:00.000-04:00

My willpower is lacking.

I've been blogging more than you think!

2010-05-04T09:27:00.004-04:00

But I get all long winded lately, so I just save the post to my private stash.

We bought the large toddler "Good Nights" last night. For those of you out there that are not parents, they are a pull up type diaper that are usually meant for older kids who have bed-wetting issues, and go up to 65 pounds.

Yes, 65 pounds, and they fit perfectly right now. I am afraid to weigh her honestly. It's not that she is this big, chubby girl...I mean of course she's still a baby, but she is TALL...she's just big everywhere! At 2, her head just about reaches Jenna's chest. How did I get these big babies!? Her new size 7 clothing fit perfectly, and I may even need to go up a size because I shrink everything I get my hands on.

Kill everything green, and shrink all our clothes - I rock.

Who needs a jungle gym?!

Getting my Geek on.

2010-05-01T18:04:00.004-04:00

I am a gamer chick. I like to game. I especially like to escape into RPG's and MMORPG's. I finished the latest installment of Final Fantasy from Square/Enix (no it's never actually "final", there's already another in the works as well as a new MMO.) So while I found 13 to be stunning graphically, I found the content lacking. Where is the cheesy translation from JP to EN? Where is the story...the love, romance, adventure, excitement? 13 didn't even have a card game, and you couldn't get a Chocobo until you were WELL into the game (plus they were over-sized and ugly!). I feel like having voiced characters takes some of the personalization out of it all. I have no choices, they are who they are - and they're all pretty cookie-cutter predictable. Where in the hell did the winning battle music go off to?? Why does it have to be game over if my leader dies, but the two others are still fine and dandy? WHY IS THERE NO ESCAPE OPTION!?

So though I game, I need Steven to come over to teach me how to get the most out of my PS3. As he lives a thousand miles away, this is not very often, but when he last visited, he showed me where I could buy my old fave, FFVIII. I have now put 40 hours into the damn thing, even though I played the shit out of it like every day the entire year of 1999. I love that I can make Squall a total asshole, or just an emo-whiny-angst ridden teenager, because I get to CHOOSE his answers, no one is telling me who he HAS to be (though anyone who knows me, knows that I have a soft spot for Rinoa, so I make sure he's always nice to her.) It will always be my favorite FF, and I've played them all (so stop judging me any of you hardcore FF lovers.) When I get all my chars and GF's to lvl 99, I think I might go re-purchase FFVII and get Vincent, since I never (I know I know) did that the first time around.

Speaking of STEVEN...he just had a birthday!!!!! OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE KNOWN YOU THIS LONG!!!! I love you, and even though I'm flaky, and addicted to drugs, and a hermit, I thought about you a lot yesterday and meant to get on and tell you that YOU ROCK, and pet and nuzzle you. You'll just have to let me today instead *flomps on you, nuzzle-kisses!*

It's all about me...

2010-04-28T21:03:00.005-04:00

You know when you cut your thumb on a really sharp knife, and it bleeds like a mother fucker, and you swear repeatedly, squeezing it to see how much blood you can make spurt out as you run to the sink?

Well I just washed my hair with that thumb, and every time I ran it over my head, a chunk of strands would slip into it, causing a really squicky, painful feeling. Now it's just flapping in the wind, kinda dried out from the tea tree shampoo.

~~~~~~~c-section story deleted~~~~~~~

I love you, Mena - you are everything I could have wanted and more. My beautiful girl, you amaze me constantly. Your smile makes my day, and you were worth every minute of heartache that it took to get you here. Happy Birthday, Miss Stinky. <3

I am so effing hot,

2010-04-28T13:50:00.001-04:00

but there are two men building a fence behind my back door, and I don't want to open it and have to hear them...or make any social contact whatsoever...because I am a hermit, and I need a shower.

My Middle Child...

2010-04-26T14:43:00.000-04:00

I realize that I haven't written about her yet. My beautiful preteen and most sensitive offspring, is just starting to contemplate her baby-fat and dating boys. She was my only "term" child, who weighed in a full 2+ pounds larger than her siblings (5.2 and 5.0 respectively), but she never became HUGE like them. She's always been quite average sized, and I doubt she will be any taller than 5'5" when she hits puberty. This sets her much apart from the rest of the immediate family, and she hates it like I hated being 5'8" in 8th grade.

I want to feel for her, but I'm actually jealous. Someday she'll be this beautiful, petite, young adult - able to gaze UP into the eyes of any guy lucky enough to date her. She will never be that tall, gawky kid who someone calls "big bird" (yes, I still remember that and YOU). Joni, and Bry's mom are both beautiful, petite ladies.

My pouf is ahem putting on some weight.

2010-04-26T14:34:00.000-04:00

But don't tell it I said that. Seriously, it's true...whenever I buy a new pouf, it starts out all small and compact, causing me to question our (somewhat intimate) relationship. Can it really get my entire body clean, are there enough suds, is it foaming properly? Sometime later I realize that said pouf has not only been able to clean all my 2000 parts, it's now so relaxed with what we have that it's kind of let itself go. Not only has it doubled in size, it's become floppy and it's roots are showing. I think it's time to end it...

Oh Shit!

2010-04-26T09:11:00.000-04:00

I have errands to run...and now I have to do them looking like a whore? Whoriness + Fat does not equal attractive, but it's for science sooooo....

Boobquake '10

I'll have the carpet...with a side of lint.

2010-04-25T20:00:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here listening to my toddler say "num num" just after snatching a piece of lint from her deft little fingers. She won't eat food, but she loves her some carpet. The one thing she does eat is salad - if it is shredded to resemble carpet. She will be two this week and wears a size SEVEN (xs-s girls) and a size 10 shoe. How is this possible? Apparently carpet is a high calorie food.

SnnnnnnAAAARRRRRffffffff sing

2010-04-25T19:15:00.000-04:00

Bryan hasn't been feeling well for about a week now, so naturally I check his fingernails for arsenic poisoning lines. He's good.

I don't want to talk politics with you...

2010-04-23T17:07:00.000-04:00

I like you, let's not ruin what we have, okay?

Shiny Happy People

2010-04-23T16:49:00.000-04:00

"Oh my God, I am so BLESSED, so LUCKY, so HAPPY *glitter hearts and flowers dance*!"

Am I the only crabby-ass person in this world? I love facebook, it has allowed me to find and talk to people I would have lost complete touch with otherwise, but out of the 200+ friends I have, only like 3 ever complain or act normal. Everyone else apparently has never had a whining child, crabby husband, house-not-cleaned, pissy, bad kind of day.

I do feel lucky for what I have in my life, and those things (people) make me happy, but lets be realistic here - you all can't have the perfect, shiny, beautiful lives that you constantly profess to, right?

Maybe I need to start writing about how getting older rocks, I'm never tired, my husband gave me a foot massage, the baby pooped roses, my hard wood floors repel cat hair, and I don't miss my Mom.

That New Car Smell.

2010-04-21T21:50:00.000-04:00

I want my hair to be clean, shiny, commercial-like, styling-product-free, waves of luscious softness. Who can I reliably turn to? Neutrogena! Jennifer Garner is a hip, gorgeous, tall glass of something something, and she says we should use their products, so who am I to question?

Oh...NOW I remember! Because the Neutrogena Anti-Residue Shampoo 12 fl oz (354 ml) makes me smell like WET DOG.

Hold me...

Now I kinda feel bad...

2010-04-21T19:23:00.000-04:00

for judging you...but not bad enough to erase that post. You can totally judge me back if you want, but I know that no one reads this blog, and you'll probably never ever know how disillusioned I now am.

Also I totally saw this peacock maxi dress at Target that I think you would like, and they have this totally cute peacock garden statuary that I wanted to buy. *heart*

Public Education...

2010-04-21T19:12:00.000-04:00

So since I totally just pseudo-bitched some poor mom out in my previous post, I thought I would make a quick statement on the state of our public education system all across this great old US of A. It sucks...as a nation we are pathetically behind our international peers educationally. My son, who is in all honors classes at his public high school, is getting A's and he NEVER BRINGS HOME ANY HOMEWORK. How is this possible? I have no idea. I get the whole teenage procrastinating thing, but NO homework ever??

He "claims" he does it at lunchtime. What kind of honors classes give homework easy enough to finish during a period of the day where you have 20 minutes to eat and socialize with your friends? We fail fail FAIL.

My entire house smells like tuna...

I don't want to be crabby about this...

2010-04-21T18:51:00.000-04:00

...but I am. One of my favorite blogs (and I only follow THREE, so you'll just have to guess which one), is now getting paid to write. Suddenly all the fun content is gone...snarkiness - gone...playful banter - GONE! WTH! So now that you're getting paid you have to be all politically correct and censored? I want funny family stories and pics of your little darling, not rants about how you will be forced to pay more for private schooling (which, lets face it, you will be doing, lets not pretend here). And you know what else? Shame on you for stealing 2 summer classes that could have gone to someone in more need than a wealthy stay at home mom who has multiple freaking computers to snatch up the slots.

I still like you though...and I did the "living on peanut butter sandwiches" thing too back in the day. I am also now fortunate to be a stay at home mom, but I don't go on and on in my posts about having 53 high chairs, a Mercedes, and 17 awesome strollers, and then talk about how when my kid is older I won't be able to afford private tuition. I just miss the old you, who I used to follow on the TTC boards way back when.

Go unwashed masses!

More Thoughts On Ambien...

2010-04-20T17:28:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I am too big-sister to my 15 year old, and not enough mom. He is this gorgeous boy who talks like a sailor and wants to try weed. How do I know this? He tells me everything... I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

So for some reason I show him some of my posts on facebook, which I almost immediately regret, especially the ones I make after I've taken my Ambien. For some strange reason I like to stalk Bryan's assistant manager and comment on his status/photo/comments. He is a truly funny guy, but wth...I need to stop doing that.

I don't even know what rumple mints are, and I'm pretty sure that's not how it's spelled.

My Son

2010-04-20T17:25:00.000-04:00

Needs to take the baby off the cat tree.

Tiger Tiger ROAR!

2010-04-19T12:50:00.000-04:00

I am blessed (cursed) with unbelievably realistic dreams. I used to think it was a gift from my Native American ancestors. Even occasional dreams of the imminent apocalypse were more interesting rather than frightening. I welcomed them all with an inner sense of knowing....until I got old and now all my dreams are about my husband mocking me and having numerous affairs with 20 year old girls.

He doesn't have to get so mad when I bat at him and ignore him with pouty looks the rest of the day...I can't help it that it feels real!

(p.s. my subconscious still thinks you have a girlfriend)

Got that leg shaking thing goin on....

2010-04-19T12:41:00.000-04:00

I've always liked food. A long long long time ago I SWORE to the heavens and anyone who would listen, that I would NEVER drink diet coke instead of regular coke.

Karma's a bitch.

At 26 I got the full blown (outta nowhere) Diabetes. It has ruined food for me (not that you can tell...I need to lose a few) and changed every single aspect of my life.

Actually, this was going to be a rant about craving avocados and popcorn, but I might just make the brownies. Cause I have mix...and there are now eggs...why am I the only one who likes nuts in brownies!?

An Ambien Sex Zombie...

2010-04-18T23:34:00.000-04:00

Yes, it's real. Tina - flipping - Fey said so. So immediately my hands FLY to my face, covering shame shame SHAME. It's hard to wake up sometimes....little hints left here and there of the night's full bounty. Evidence in the kitchen - smeared sauces, french cheeses all asunder. Whisperings in the back of my mind interspersed with haphazard flashes of truth. Freeing both body and soul through artificial means, in hopes to please my precious partner in crime.

Next day guilt....what did I say, what did I do....what did I ask YOU to do to ME. Can I face you today...will you still see me in the same light, was it fun...or only fun enough until the next big thing smites me from your life.

I'll have the defiant lobster...

2010-04-16T02:26:00.000-04:00

Does anyone really ever actually EAT those lobsters that live in the tank at Red Lobster? It's Lobster-fest season and the seafood lover in me had a hankerin' for some of that red beast, so off we went to our local Red Lobster for lunch today. It's always ridiculously overpriced and chock full of cholesterol, so I thought it was a fine idea to get the most expensive dish on the menu. Bully for me that said large toddler is not, in fact, allergic to shellfish. I figured we'd know right away if she started swelling up like a balloon and turned purple.

Anyway! When we entered the restaurant, we approached the large tank that flanked the north wall, and inside of it were the various crustaceans all clustered together like they always are....except for the DEFIANT ONE.

He stood proudly alone, ready to face anyone who dared challenge him and his meaty, rubber-bound claws. I knew....I knew then that he was the ONE. Mmmm...yum.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So I'm feeling old...not because I can't carry my large toddler for more than five minutes at a time, but because my high school sweetie turned the big FOUR-OH today. It's mighty unfair that his birthday falls on tax day so that I can NEVER forget it. It's like a bitter-sweet memory of a more innocent time, and it fills me with angst...that or I have a bladder infection.

I'm not granola...

2010-04-16T01:57:00.000-04:00

Just so you weren't thinkin' I was all trashy or something.

Smacks Self

2010-04-16T01:15:00.000-04:00

What, in all that is true and just, made me purchase a metal crib? I wait with baited breath each time the baby monitor creaks with her gentle (violent) movements. My stomach sickens as I contemplate her waking, her pathetic wails (bawling) beckoning me, almost PROVOKING me. Bottle in hand, I creep into her domain, whispering sweet nothings into the darkness, prompting her into a tizzy before I plop that sucker into her greedy mouth.

squee!

2010-04-16T00:52:00.000-04:00

June Bugs freak me out. I am sitting with my back to the patio door and they keep slamming their crispy coated bodies into it. I shiver with disgust each time one hits.

When I Was Little...

2010-04-16T00:47:00.000-04:00

My Mom wore a lot of polyester...a LOT of polyester. I used to stand behind her or just to her left side, and roll the fabric betwixt my nubile fingers. I would later learn that my therapist believed I needed a tangible tactile to confirm my existence.

Look at me using my big words!

I'm feeling a little bit diabetic.

2010-04-16T00:46:00.001-04:00

It's the shrubbery's fault.